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King Cricket and the Ashes

King cricket of the tip top blog tested International Cricket 2010 and tweeted live about the Ashes… tragic really…

King Cricket plays International Cricket 2010

All tweets by the King unless otherwise indicated

Right. Live review of International Cricket 2010 part two. Was this a good idea? Too late now. Already announced it to literally some people

We’re playing on ‘hard’ and we’ve not had a warm-up. We’ll need to bowl Australia out for double figures to have half a chance

Why did we promise to do this? Is this literally the saddest thing anyone has ever done? Quite probably

First black mark: the players’ names are correct. We’ll make up some new ones. James Andersauna to open the bowling

Aus 30-0 after 11. Feeling like this was a bit of a Nasser Hussain decision to bowl. A fairly convincing Test cricket so far, but is it fun

It is fun! Steven Dogich goes lbw to Graham Scallions after getting peppered by Stuart Narrow

Shaun Whatsoff goes now. This is actually really hard work. Not bricklayer hard perhaps, but it’s quite intense. Again, is this actually fun

Gordon Seagull has three and Marcus South is gone for a duck. Australia 99-5, so better than they are in real-life cricket

God. It’s half-eight and look what we’re doing. We should be out trying to sleep with girls or something. At least it’s not Friday

Scallions gets Rocky Panting! Why go out and socialise when you can do this!

Wickets falling quicker than sense of self-worth

Aus 110 all out. Block or slog? Andrew Straws and Alberforce Coke walk out to bat.

“That takes the lead past 100” says Agnew whose maths clearly isn’t what it was. We’re on eight; 102 behind.

Got bored. Had a slog. Andrew Straws out. Next ball, absent-mindedly pressed the wrong button. Alberforce Coke run out. 38-2.

And Kelvin Pietersiddle edges the next one. Clearly I’m tired, bored, a loser, lonely, on the edge of tears at the state of my life.

Neanth: (science dude) Why do you think that? You are live tweeting a computer game cricket match. YOU’RE A SUPER COOL DUDE (I’ve got 2 thumbs up)

Philosophical question: If a wicket falls in a cricket computer game, can anyone hear the player’s emotional breakdown via Twitter?

I asked if anyone thought I was cool on the site today. I couldn’t think of anyone who would. Not even mum. I forgot you.

Neanth: (science dude): I’M A SUPER COOL DUDE TOO!

[High-fives, ignoring the despairing looks of nearby females in the highly unlikely event that there were any]

Buoyed by the awareness that I am, in fact, SUPER COOL, I edge England on to 57-3 via Collingwool legside shovels off Dougray Bollinjam.

Jonathan Tract LBW to Mysmall Johnson. Ian Balls is going to have to do the job for England. Eyes getting a bit tired. Shame still strong.

Oh well played Balls, you tool! Matt Previously walks out with the weight of one man’s sanity resting on his tiny pixellated shoulders.

Me: am collating all this you know.

For who? The authorities in the wake of my tragic death at the age of 32, wearied by life and ultimately defeated?

Mysmall Johnson smacks Matt Previously in the left tit. As it’s not real cricket, I can get a beer to steady my nerves.

Sam Blackledge a journo: You said ‘I’. No more royal ‘we’?

Argh. ‘Spazz buttons’ strikes again. Matt Previously attempting a second run when the keeper already had the ball in his gloves.

Concerned Saffa : He’s gone off his trolley, right?

Neanth: (science dude):hey! I’m just virtually hanging with my super cool homie The Kings Tweets

Sam Blackledge a journo: the facade is slipping. You are a man behind a curtain. Or something. Ps do you want some more non-cricket match reports?

Yes, but try and provide some faint link to the cricket. We’re getting a bit too far off-topic.

71-6 and I’m in the uncomfortable position of (a) being bored, but (b) wanting to pass Australia’s 110 after investing so much time.

Ah crap. Collingwool bowled by Mysmall Johnson. I’ve spent three hours on this and I’m not even going to win. I hate my life.

Heard a dot ball while I was typing this. Thought it was the end of the over, but clearly not. The Adnams Broadside must be kicking in.

Edged another one. Andersauna in. It’s gone. It’s over. I’m three hours closer to death with nothing to show for it bar damp, salty cheeks.

Mysmall Johnson bowled three wides in an over – which was as fun as it’s been in the last hour – but then it all went disgustingly bad.

Can’t even describe this emotion. Can you be numb and hate yourself at the same time?

The most I’ve achieved today is to help Fake England make 33 runs fewer than Fake Australia

The sun will rise tomorrow, but will I? Maybe my body will, but my soul will not.

Oblivion calls. Oblivion embrace me with your dark, forgiving nothingness.

Graphics 8, Sound 7, Gameplay 8, Overall 8. Good night.

(I think we can assume that England were not successful)

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